Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
by movieman2400
Summary: What happens when Harry accidentally impregnates Hermione and an escort from the street? Find out!
1. The Adult Invitation

**Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies  
**  
_By moviefreak2004/movieman2400  
_

_Version 2.0 - Updated with Content and Brand New Bug-Fixes (kidding)_

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies is not an entry in the Harry Potter series…though, without a single shred of doubt, it deserves to be! I also don't own any single one of the Harry Potter characters.

**NOTE OF INTEREST:** _Chapter 1 of Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies was started sometime in April of 2004. The first chapter was actually the easiest one to write, and this is the one where it's the most perverted. After the first couple chapters, the story calmed down a bit and became what I had originally wanted it to be. This chapter was finished in roughly two weeks._

**Chapter 1: The Adult Invitation  
**  
The letter appeared in the mail several weeks before Hogwarts was set to open. On the envelope were printed three identical letters and two words: XXX,Harry Potter.

Unfortunately for the magical wizard, Dudley had mail duty that morning. As the fat, disgusting, fat, chubby, fat, stupid, fat boy made his way out, he thought about what jolly wonders he would find in the mail today.

He opened the mail box as he stuffed a muffin into his mouth. Good, he thought, everything was here. Maxim for himself, Vogue for his mother Petunia, and Playgirl for his dad, Vernon.

Meanwhile, two floors up, Harry woke up as he heard a loud screeching sound outside.

"Damn it!" Harry screamed as he saw the sight before him. Hedwig, his snowy white owl,was busy screwing the neighbor's owl.

"Hedwig!" Harry chorused once again and grabbed the owl. He shoved it into its cage and took out his long, black wand. "Cattle Prodito!"

A cattle prod appeared out of thin air and bonked Harry on the head. He screamed as the electrical shock raced through his body.

"Oh shite on crackers muther---"

That's when he remembered that millions of kids across the world would be reading the books about him. He had to pretend he was a good-natured, lovable boy. In real life,he was exactly the opposite. Behind the cameras andbehind the words he was a mean, dumb, ignorant, obnoxious, fat, ugly, pitiful drunk. Of course, J.K. Rowling still chose to stalk him and write stories about him. That was when he decided that although wizardry wasn't real, he had to pretend it was to satisfy Rowling. It was a bummer having to hide everything.

And Ron? Ha, Harry laughed. Best friend? Ron had just been a hobo the two had picked off the street to be a character. Harry chuckled. God, those silly hobos would do anything for money.

But back to what was happening. Harry grabbed the cattle prod and began jabbing Hedwig with it.

"Die, you oaf!"

"Harry, breakfast!" Aunt Petunia laughed from downstairs.

Besides the infamous Voldemort, Aunt Petunia hadbeen cast as a minor villain inthe series. But, of course, in real life she was the exact opposite, a loving caring affectionate woman.

Aunt Petunia, real name Polly Testicles, had come onto the set looking to have a great experience. Harry hadexperienced love at first sight, even though she was nearly fifty. He had, of course, underwent another liposuction to look thin. Polly had been surprised and Harry had tricked her into bed. Her husband found out and left her. That had been several weeks ago. Harry remembered clearly how she had slapped him and left. The director was pretty mad at having to hire another person but whatcha' gonna do, Harry thought as he marched down.

The new Aunt Petunia was much younger and thinner. Harry remembered a press conference in which a dedicated fan had bolted out of his seat in astonishment and quickly remarked: "Hey, what happened to the old Petunia?"

Harry had blinked twice, giving the go for the sniper on the balcony above to release a sleeping dart into the man's neck. It had been smooth from then on.

Oh wait, Harry thought. He had to now adapt his good boy persona. Before making his way into the kitchen where J.K. would be looking at him and writing and where he would be filmed, Harry picked up a whiskey bottle he saw on the floor and gave it a chug.

"Hey, dumbass, that's mine!" Ron screamed from behind him.

Harry took out his cattle prod and stabbed Ron. He fell to the floor.

"That settles matters quite nicely," Harry said and went on to the kitchen.

The cameras had a new device that made him look thin. The director had explained to him about it: 'It's so cool. It makes you look from fifty to three hundred pounds lighter. I mean, everybody's using it. Oprah. Rosie O'Donnell. Dr. Phil. All those supermodels.The list goes on and on, my friend."

Harry was glad. If a fan saw the truly fat side of him, the ratings and sales would plummet and Harry would go back to being a prostitute. He remembered that was not a good life.

He sat down and begin reciting his script.

The director slowly began counting, "3...2..."

Harry smiled at the new actress playing Petunia, Jenny Balls, and smiled. He rubbed his tongue around his lips and closed his eyes as if he was in a dream.

"...1...Action!"

"So what's for breakfast, Aunt Petunia?" the fake Harry said.

"Nothing for you! We saved the food for Dudley," she replied.

"Oh that fat bit---. I mean, oh ok."

"And we're going to continue to save it until your owl stops stealing off in the night and doing forbidden acts with the neighbor's owl."

"Damn it. I mean, umm...er...uhh..."

With that, Harry bolted out of the room.

"Bathroom break," he cried.

"Hey, Harry!" a voice came from behind him.

It was Dudley, who's real name was Dick Solid.

"Harry, guess what came from Hermione."

"For the last time, Dick, her name was Hormone. It's spelled Hermione but that's not the way it's pronounced. My god, what have we come to? I mean Hermione's a terrible name. Hormone's much better. When I hear a name like Hermione, my insides just go...Solid, you still listening?"

"Oh yes. Forget about it. Umm, it's an invitation to a strip club."

"Ooh. Hand it over, hand it over, hand it over!"

Harry pushed Dick away and grasped the note.

"Crikeys, this is the most popular joint in town. Damn! It must cost a ton to get into this place."

"Can I come too, Harry?"

"Um no, not really. I don't think you're old enough."

"Oh come on!"

"No really. Remember when I rented Old Men Gone Wild. You ran out on the first minute, you sissy."

"But Harry, give me a chance."

Harry knew that if kept refusing, Dick would keep asking.

"Ok you can come."

"Yes!"

"But don't tell anybody about it. Or we'll both lose our careers."

"By the way, did you ever return Old Men Gone Wild?"

"Nah. Loved it so much, couldn't possibly return it. When I'm depressed, lifts me up. Speaking of lifting up...Fred and George say they've just got a new invention. Mighty fine one. Quite genius, too. It's a lollipopwith several drugs inside. Ha ha ha, Dumbledore will never catch me smokingagain. F and G say they're gonna be there. Let's try it out!"

"Oh boy, I can't wait."

"Dress up, Dick, it's tonight."

Slobbering, Dick/Dudley ran up to his room with his copy of Maxim.

"Boys," Harry snorted. "Never know what's right and what's wrong."

**---**

Later that night, Harry got his Ferrari out. The broomstick was crap. Goddam thing kept tickling him in between the legs. This was the real deal.

Dick sat alongside him as Harry drove into a parking lot.

"Hey, I don't see the club," Dick said.

"I'm not here for the club."

Harry opened the door, stepped out, and went into the brightly lit store ahead of him. He walked several aisles until he arrived at his destination. Oh yeah. Some Heineken, throw in tequila, and vodka. Whoo, tonight was going to be a good night. Harry picked up something else along the way: a pack of condoms. Who knows, he might need it tonight.

Harry walked up to the clerk, a fat man in his late fifties.

"Hey, ain't you a little too young to buy this kind of alkeehol, son?" he asked.

"Shut your mouth-ito," Harry belched as he waved his wand.

A seal spread across the man's lips.

"Have a good night," Harry said and walked out with the beers.

He opened the tequila and downed part of the bottle. Damn, mighty fine. Harry climbed into the car.

"Harry, you forgot your condoms."

Harry was already drunk, however, and he couldn't make out any word Dick had said.

"Ooh, Hormone, dragons, ooh yeah ohh Vernon. Ohh."

Harry pushed the pedal and the car roared. They traveled for about thirty minutes and then saw the club.

"Let's go!" Dick yelled.

"Hold it," Harry said, checking his pocket to make sure the coke was still there. "Need to make some money tonight. Ok good."

Harry got out and flapped the invitation over.

The tall man at the entrance let them in. Lights and ladies were everywhere.

"Oh boy," Dick yelled. "This only happens in my dreams."

With his mouth held wide open, Dick rushed away. Harry knew, by the happy looks on everybody's faces, it was going to be one hell of a party.

He finished the tequila, threw it behind his back, and wandered further into the large room.


	2. The Private Room

Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies  
  
By moviefreak2004  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.  
  
Chapter 2: The Private Room  
  
Harry watched in amusement as Dick tried his luck with several ladies --- and guys. He would constantly get behind them and pretend to dance with them. They, of course, would notice, whirl around, and slap him.  
  
After a minute, Dick had returned to Harry and said: "Let's get out of here, Harry."  
  
But Harry wasn't ready to leave. He was going to party and use all night, until he was so high that he couldn't remember a single thing in his life.  
  
Harry lit a joint and wandered into the center of the room, where most of the partying was going on. He immediately noticed Hormone.  
  
"Harry, it's been a while," she said over the music. "You have the drugs?"  
  
"Of course, baby."  
  
She wagged her finger at him and he followed her slobbering. She led him to a door, which she twisted open. But before Harry entered he saw J.K., standing nearby. DAMN IT! Why'd she have to interrupt everything he did?  
  
"Come on, Harry, I'm not waiting."  
  
Harry noticed that J.K. had finally left, walking over to the bar.  
  
"Good. Let's go, Hormone!"  
  
He pushed her further into the room, taking off his shirt as he did so. He kicked the door behind him and it locked as it closed.  
  
Meanwhile, J.K had walked over to the bar, where a fat drunk was sitting.  
  
"Hey, baby."  
  
"Hello," she said. "How do you do?"  
  
"Baby, drinks on me. What do you want?"  
  
"I don't drink. When I tried beer, I thought up of Harry Potter. Dreadful. I want to forget him but at the same time I need my money. Surgery costs an awful lots these days, you see. So, I'm sober."  
  
"Baby, one drink won't hurt you." J.K. looked up at the man and sighed.  
  
"Oh the heck with it, my life's a hellhole."  
  
She downed the drink and began to feel slightly disjointed.  
  
"What is this stuff? Oh my god, you made me take coke!"  
  
Before long, photographers had run into the club, snapping pictures madly.  
  
"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!"  
  
She screamed, grabbed a shotgun from the bartender, and put it into her mouth.  
  
Inside the private room, Harry heard the shot.  
  
"God, she's shot herself again!"  
  
Hormone was beginning to get mad that her boyfriend couldn't satisfy.  
  
"Harry, ignore her. She shot herself six times already and she survived."  
  
Harry didn't want to let Hormone go but he had no choice. He rushed out of the room and ran to her.  
  
"For god's sake, J!" Harry screamed. "You're a robot made for writing. You can't kill yourself. Did you drink again? By golly, you know what that does to your brain?"  
  
"Harry, I've thought up a brilliant idea for a new book," she said. "It goes like this: You have a twin brother who changes his gender and becomes Mary Potter. And uh---."  
  
"Sounds great, J.K"  
  
"I knew you would say that. It's a great idea, original, brilliant. And it's going to have these two kids and a magical place called Neverland and-- -. Why, it's a brilliant idea, ain't it Barry?"  
  
"It's Harry, J.K."  
  
"See, I'm already forgetting you! Forget you Harry! For me now, it's Mary Potter and the Condom of Secrets. Yeah. And it's all about---"  
  
"We have to get you out of there. You're drunk!"  
  
But before Harry could lift her to her feet, he was whirled around by Hormone.  
  
"Harry, you idiot. You forgot the condoms."  
  
"Damn it, this always happens to me!"  
  
"And you care more about J.K. than you do about me! It's over, Harry. I'm breaking up with you."  
  
Harry grabbed Hormone's hair. It slipped off her head.  
  
Michael Jackson stared into Harry's face.  
  
"Oh no!" he yelled in his girlish voice. His breasts jangling around, Michael shrieked and ran away.  
  
Harry immediately began spitting. He'd been Hormone's boyfriend for nearly three years and now this...  
  
Harry's life was now in ruins, he thought.  
  
Dick was waiting patiently for him at the entrance. They left together and....  
  
"What the hell happened here?" Harry shrieked. It seemed that for the moment the entire world shook.  
  
His Ferrari's windshield was mashed in, beaten by a baseball bat. A note was KrazyGlued to the wheel:  
  
THIS IS FOR BEING A BAD BOYFRIEND  
  
Dick was already in the car. Harry climbed in after him and drove off. Goddamn it, everything was going wrong. How could it possibly get this bad, Harry thought as he sniffed some coke. But he knew that even the most purest of the drug wouldn't help him forget this accident. Boy, girl, or it Harry still loved Hormone and would have agreed to turn back time to save her. He couldn't believe he had turned down sex to save Rowling. From now on, he promised himself, he would NEVER save her again, no matter what kind of crazy or despicable act she thought of. Frick it, he thought, I'm not going to be her main character anymore. Harry Potter, the sweet magical boy, was over. Tomorrow, Harry would terminate his contract and go back to the streets.  
  
Meanwhile, Dick, being the dumb person that he was, accidentally sniffed the coke. He didn't begin to feel high.  
  
"What is this stuff, Harry? Salt? Flour? Sugar?"  
  
"It's supposed to let your brain relax. Seeing that you don't have a brain, it doesn't really do anything for you."  
  
"Oh, I think I get it. So...what is it? Like a mix of two of them?"  
  
Harry sighed and decided to take the long route home. That pretty much involved going the short way home, then going back to the club, and returning home once again. But as Harry was about to execute his plan, something caught his attention. His eyes darted as he noticed a skinny, short girl wandering the street in a skirt. The hell with it, he thought, what did he have to lose? Perfect ending, he thought. News reporters would have a field day:  
  
HARRY POTTER HAS SEX WITH HO!  
  
HARRY POTTER, MAGICAL WIZARD, CATCHES HIV!  
  
NO SPELL TO HELP CURE HIV, SNAPE SHOULD HAVE TOLD POTTER!  
  
HARRY DIES. CAUSE OF DEATH: HIV AND LUNG CANCER, J.K. ROWLING TRIES TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN, FAILS AGAIN, TRIES TO BRING POTTER BACK TO LIFE, FAILS THAT, TRIES DRINKING AGAIN, FAILS THAT, BOOK SALES PLUMMET, END OF ROWLING'S CAREER  
  
Harry's hand slipped into his pocket and he took out a hundred dollar bill.  
  
"Ms. McGonagall, I didn't know you had a second job."  
  
"I need the money, honey. Are we doing this or not?" she replied.  
  
Harry grinned and opened the door. She climbed in and the boy drove away. 


	3. The Hotel

Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies  
  
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.  
  
Chapter 3: The Hotel  
  
McGonagall wagged her finger as Harry and she entered the cold motel room they had rented for the night. Harry was in ecstasy, literally. The Ferrari had had a stash of the drug in the back but Harry's abrupt stopping of the car had caused it to topple on him. His clothes were filled with the drug.  
  
He had done this millions of times before but he felt McGonagall was special. She just had this captivating charm around her that disrupted Harry from whatever he was doing. He couldn't stop looking at her throughout the entire ride. He wanted her!  
  
He was about to start performing his special moves when he realized that he was about to cross into NC-17 territory. There wasn't a single second that a camera wasn't around him and he was ready to bet his life that there was a hidden cameraman in the dark secretly filming them. Harry thought to himself: I can't do this!  
  
After all, he could become the next Paris Hilton. Oh god, that video was good! Harry realized that time was ticking.  
  
McGonagall was silently tapping the bed, reading one of his books. Should or shouldn't he? Yes, he should, Harry finally decided. He had told himself he had quit the entertainment business. He leaped aboard bed.  
  
Harry begin kissing and biting his teacher's neck. She moaned with joy. Harry stood up and grabbed a champagne bottle. He twisted the cork and it flew across the room. McGonagall begged for some, getting on her knees. Harry drank it with joy, then leaned the bottle down so the rest of the drink flowed down into McGonagall's mouth.  
  
He poured what remained into a cup and held it high in the air.  
  
McGonagall reached for it, crying "Give it to me, give it to me!"  
  
---  
  
Two kids were watching TV in the room right next to Harry and McGonagall's. Their parents had left so they could have some "mommy and daddy time".  
  
The boy, the older of the two, was fourteen. His sister was twelve. They sat watching Barney, singing songs.  
  
"Hey, Jenny, did you hear that?" the boy said.  
  
"No, I didn't, Robby," she replied. "What'd ya hear?"  
  
"I think it came from the other the side of that door."  
  
"Oh, I wonder where it leads."  
  
The two kids inched closer to the door and both put their ears on the door.  
  
The next moment would haunt them for the rest of their lives.  
  
Screams of pain and joy were heard, a crunch, something flying, a woman moaning, someone making drinking sounds, some liquid flowing, and constant "Give it to me, Harry. Give it to me Harry!"  
  
Robby couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had watched dozens of porn videos but nothing ever happened like this.  
  
The boy fainted while Jenny listened on. "What are they doing, Robby? It sounds fun. Robby? You there? Robby?"  
  
---  
  
Harry and McGonagall were done having their pleasure time. Harry drove her against the wall as they left the motel and added an extra kiss before she left him.  
  
He smiled; he was truly happy. Back in his Ferrari, with Dick sleeping in the back, Harry backed out of the parking lot and headed back home.  
  
On the way back, an ecstasy tablet slipped into Dick's mouth.  
  
---  
  
Vernon stared at Harry when he came into his house.  
  
"Where have you been, young man?" he bellowed.  
  
"Uh, Mozart concert?" Harry answered.  
  
"Oh, okay. Go to bed!" he screamed.  
  
Harry left for his room when Dick stumbled in.  
  
"And where were you, young man?"  
  
"Where do you think? A drug party."  
  
"What?"  
  
Dick stumbled around and fell onto the floor.  
  
"My god, you're high!" Vernon screamed. "Get into the car! We're going to drug counseling!"  
  
The boy did as he was told and they drove off into the night as Harry collapsed onto his bed.  
  
Vernon arrived at counseling and dragged the boy behind him. Several attendants took the boy and his father to a room. Several fathers and their sons sat in a circle.  
  
"Well what do you know. We have a new member. How nice!" the leader grumbled as he lit a cigarette. "Sit down, sit down. It's two fifty an hour."  
  
Dick and Vernon sat down.  
  
"Ok, now let's talk about some of our experiences. This method helps kids understand how NOT doing drugs is good for them. Here's how it goes, I suppose that all of you are rich since you are able to afford these lessons. Tell your son about how you didn't do drugs and how far you've gone in life."  
  
"Oh I get it," a father said. "May I start?"  
  
"Of course," the counselor said.  
  
"Son, sports were my anti drug. I knew I had to be fit and healthy, to be on the school team, to be popular, and to pick up chicks...like that one that I met in...I think her name was...oh sorry I got carried off. Well look at me now son. I have you, your mom my wife is beautiful..."  
  
"Yeah, the surgeries sure do look great, don't they?"  
  
"Oh stop being so immature. One surgery is fine. It's only a lot that's bad. Anyway, I have a great job; a million a year. And I never did any drugs son, you see how far I've gotten?"  
  
"Yeah dad. Excellent! No more crack for me!"  
  
The boy took a baggie out of his jeans and handed it to his dad.  
  
"I'll go throw this out," the father said as he secretly hid it inside his pants.  
  
"Ok, let's continue with the anti-drug thingy," the counselor said.  
  
"Leadership."  
  
"Honor."  
  
"Love."  
  
"Hate."  
  
"Uhh...sniffing paint. That's my anti drug," Vernon said.  
  
"Uhh, that's one I haven't heard a lot but uh...at least it's original."  
  
It continued like this.  
  
"So what message did we learn today, kids?" the counselor asked as he took out a straw and a baggie.  
  
"Being drug-free is the way to be!" the class chorused.  
  
The class ended and Vernon drove home a happy man. Dick was also ready to start a new life.  
  
"Dad, I have to tell you something."  
  
"What is it, dear boy?"  
  
"Harry's doing drugs as well."  
  
Vernon's eyes filled with shock and fear. Dick flung himself out of the car as Vernon drove off a cliff. His expression remained the same throughout the entire fall. Before he landed, Vernon took out a small breakfast and began eating. When he was done, the car landed and exploded.  
  
The next morning, Vernon's twin brother, also named Vernon, was called in to replace the original Vernon. Vernon, the one that was Vernon's twin brother not the original Vernon who was replaced by the twin Vernon but the twin Vernon who replaced the original Vernon, walked up to Harry's room and sat on his bed.  
  
"We need to have a talk."  
  
At that second, Hormone burst into the room.  
  
She shouted with anger, "Harry, I'm pregnant."  
  
What could possibly complicate matters even more?  
  
"Harry, I'm pregnant," McGonagall said as she walked into the room.  
  
For once in Harry's life, the teenager felt that no amount of money could possibly cover up the mess that he had caused. 


	4. Baby Counseling

Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies  
  
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.  
  
Chapter 4: Baby Counseling  
  
McGonagall and Hormone had signed Harry up for a fathering class. In the two weeks between the baby announcement and the class, Harry had tried to overdose twice and ended up failing both of the times.  
  
Dick refused to talk to Harry. Vernon simply sat on the porch smoking a pipe. And Petunia...well, she left Vernon for another man. The house was silent during both day and night. Harry missed his old life. Why had he forgotten the stupid condoms? Ugh, he was so stupid.  
  
Harry decided to call Ron, his old midget friend. Ron had two brothers, Fred and George, a sister, Ginny (named after her Ron's mother's alcoholic ways), and...a couple other brothers. Ron's dad worked for the Ministry of Maxi Pads; he was a product tester. And Ron's mom...just a stay-at-home mom.  
  
Ron was drunk when Harry called him.  
  
"Hey ya, Harry!" he cried into the phone. "School starts in two weeks."  
  
"Yeah. Look, Ron, I have to talk to you."  
  
"Get a second. Jeez, get off me, George! Not during the day!"  
  
Harry decided that now was probably not the best time to speak to Ron so he put the phone down. Only ten minutes before Harry had to leave for the counseling class. Oh no, Hormone had already arrived.  
  
Harry walked out of the house and sat in Hormone's pickup.  
  
"Hello, Hormone, it's been a while."  
  
"Indeed it has, Harry. The baby's coming along quite fine. And I called McGonagall yesterday, she said she was doing just as well."  
  
"Damn it!"  
  
Hormone laughed.  
  
"I've heard a lot of praise about this class. Some of the best experts in the field of Wizard Babies," Hormone said as they rolled into the parking lot of the studio.  
  
"Wait, this is going to be shown on TV?" Harry said as his jaw dropped.  
  
"Yes, it is. After all, everybody needs to know what you did."  
  
Harry and Hormone climbed out of the car and walked into the studio. Harry was surprised to see Ron there, holding Fred's hand.  
  
"Fred, it was an accident. Trust me!"  
  
"Like I'm going to believe you, Ron. How many times do I have to tell you? If it doesn't fit inside the condom, then the sex is cancelled."  
  
"Oh, Harry!" Ron cried and ran up to Harry. "Hormone, eh? You lucky bastard."  
  
Harry smiled.  
  
"Now is not the time," he said between his teeth.  
  
Suddenly, the door behind Harry flew open, sending Harry flying across the room. Harry's longtime rival, Draco Malfoy, walked in with Professor Snape, Harry's Potions teacher, closely behind him.  
  
"Ah, Harry Potter. Pregnant with who this time?" Snape asked as a malicious grin appeared on his face.  
  
Harry sneered at Snape and turned around.  
  
"Ignore them, Hormone."  
  
The couples (Harry & Hormone, Ron & Fred, Snape & Draco, as well as several others) walked into a room. There were chairs lined in a circle.  
  
"Welcome," a booming voice said from the other side of the room. An old man, with a white beard, turned around. "My name is Sir Palmer. Today, we shall discuss your current problems, and what decisions you will be making in the future. Now to begin, I want all of you to list every single felony you have ever committed."  
  
Snape glared at Palmer. "Giving Draco an A instead of an A."  
  
Draco simply said, "No felonies at all. I'm a good boy, aren't I?"  
  
Fred: "Not much, just a couple inappropriate pranks. Not much."  
  
Ron: "Screwing Ginny without my parent's permission. I mean, I tried to control myself but...I just couldn't."  
  
Hormone: "Not much. I was drunk once or twice in my life."  
  
Harry looked around and saw that all eyes were on him.  
  
"Well," Harry coughed. "Here goes. Thirteen pregnancies, high...uhh...too many times to count...speeding almost every day since I turned thirteen, uh running over Vernon with a car...accidentally on purpose..."  
  
3 Hours Later  
  
"...and driving under the influence."  
  
By this time, most of the people in the room had fallen asleep and those who hadn't were holding shotguns to their heads.  
  
Hormone groaned.  
  
"I think it'd be best to call it a day," Mr. Palmer said.  
  
As Harry, McGonagall, and Hormone walked out the building, Harry said, "Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?"  
  
McGonagall and Hormone walked away.  
  
When Harry returned home, Vernon and Dick were sleeping on the couch...in each other's arms. Harry sighed and went to his room. Suddenly, without any warning, Hedwig fluttered in, dropping a envelope into Harry's arms.  
  
"Hedwig," Harry cried. "Where have you been?"  
  
Hedwig shook its shoulders, dropped a condom from its claws into Harry's trash can, and flew away.  
  
Harry looked at the golden envelope. On the front it said, HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY.  
  
"Ahh, yearly supplies."  
  
Harry opened the letter and read the Headmaster, Albus Dumbasawhore's (whoopsie, Harry remembered it was Dumbledore) letter.  
  
To All Returning Students and All New Students,  
  
Last year, on the last day of school, I happened to realize just how poor I was. What I'm trying to say is, we're trying to save money on supplies and the school so all the money can go to me and my wife, so we can buy ourselves some toys --- whoops, off topic, eh? Well, anyway, we've stopped cooking all the good food and now we're taking our food from McDonalds. Also, we have sold all of our beds and brought lower quality ones. So what if it doesn't have a mattress? You should be thankful that you at least have something to sleep on. We've also given teachers more than one job. So now, Hagrid will be teaching two classes. Well, I'm tired of writing since I need to get back to my wife (she's waiting for me!) but just buy whatever you want. Have a great year (hah, yeah right like that'll happen) and good luck with life (I'm just writing this, I don't really mean it).  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Albus Dumbledore  
  
Harry sighed and fell onto his bed. He first had to figure out how to deal with the baby problem. Then, he would prepare for Hogwarts. Harry turned on some heavy metal and fell asleep under the soothing sound. 


	5. Shopping with Hagrid

Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies  
  
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Though I really wouldn't mind if it was...  
  
Chapter 5: Shopping with Hagrid  
  
Hagrid's shack was pretty small for the big giant (who was, may I add, VERY big) but unfortunately, it was the only one he could afford. After all, being a McDonalds floor cleaner didn't earn you that much money.  
  
Hagrid usually hung around Harry because...well, because Hagrid had never had a chance to earn any friends. He took up all the space in 1st grade and was constantly yelled at both kids and their parents for being fat. Finally, he decided to be home schooled.  
  
However, his mom had no idea what home schooling was so she had just left Hagrid home alone for several decades. He had grown up and he was still as dumb (and fat) as he had been in 1st grade.  
  
Hagrid met Dumbledore at a party (he was hired to clean toilets for forty cents an hour after a co-worker at McDonalds had recommended him for the job). Before long, Dumbledore called Hagrid and offered him a job at Hogwarts that would require no work at all: being a stupid, tall, and fat giant. Hagrid had agreed with no hesitation.  
  
On Saturday, two weeks before Hogwarts was to begin, he took a plane (he was too fat to fit in a car) to Harry's house. Harry was pleasantly surprised to see his giant oaf friend with him again.  
  
Hagrid sat down at the kitchen table as Harry took two beers out of the refrigerator.  
  
"So Hagrid what's been up?"  
  
"Not much, Harry. I heard about your incident and I rushed over here. During these hard times, you need support. You need as much companions as you can get."  
  
"You know it's not hard. I have money to get the best lawyers in this country and win this case."  
  
"Shut up! Alright, alright, I admit it. I was bored in my shack so I came over here to visit you. How you been doing, Harry?"  
  
"Eh, going through some hard times right now. Thank god I have a companion like you around."  
  
"Really? I didn't think it would be so hard. I mean you have the money to hire the best lawyers in the country. Wait, we're repeating ourselves, aren't we? When are you going shopping, Mr. Potter?"  
  
"Actually, I was planning to go today."  
  
"Why, that's great. I have to pick up my order of drugs from Matilda's Magical Feelings shop."  
  
"I'll go get my Magical Transportation Dust."  
  
Harry rushed out of the room and returned several seconds later. He sprinkled some into Hagrid's hands and placed the bag on the counter to watch as Hagrid disappeared.  
  
Within a moment, Hagrid was no more. Harry stood in his place and closed his eyes. He reached for the counter. Oh yeah, by the way, there was also a cocaine baggie on the counter.  
  
The young wizard took a bag, unzipped it, took some of the mixture, and sprinkled it into his mouth. He had taken cocaine instead of Magical Transportation Dust.  
  
The wizard, who had been clean for almost two hours, felt a wave going through him.  
  
He looked at his hands.  
  
"Oh no!" he cried.  
  
---  
  
When the high had gone, Harry took the magic dust and teleported to Dildogon Alley. He wasn't surprised to see Hagrid eating.  
  
"Harry, took you a long while. Gee, Harry, looks like you've gained a few pound since I saw you last time. Maybe you should lose a few pounds."  
  
"Gee, Hagrid, have you looked at yourself lately?"  
  
"Of course I have. What lady wouldn't want a piece of this fine, smooth booty?"  
  
Hagrid grabbed his fat stomach and started waving it around.  
  
"Come on, what girl wouldn't want to get with this?" Hagrid asked.  
  
"Alright, hit on that girl right there," Harry said and pointed.  
  
It was a pretty girl, Harry decided. This would be fun.  
  
"Well, go on," Harry said and pushed Hagrid.  
  
"Alright," Hagrid said as he walked over to her.  
  
Hagrid started looking intently at her.  
  
"Hello. Can I help you?" she asked in a beautiful voice.  
  
"Yeah, baby." Hagrid said. "You want to get with this?"  
  
Hagrid waved his stomach around in her face.  
  
---  
  
An Hour Later:  
  
"We need all the doctors we can get," Dr. Testagina cried. "She's in shock! Cause: She saw a fat man, cancel that, very fat man, shake his rump in front of her. Oh, poor thing. She's so young."  
  
The doctors moved the stretcher at lightning speed across the hospital. A nurse jumped in front of Dr. Testagina.  
  
"Doctor," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Your wife called. She says your son is having a seizure."  
  
"Tell her to wait a couple hours. This is more important."  
  
As Dr. Testagina raced away, the nurse turned back to the phone.  
  
"Uh, he says he's busy working on another woman."  
  
"What!!?? That's it. I'm coming over there."  
  
Ms. Testagina grabbed her bags and the nurse heard the quick shuffle of feet as the doctor's wife left the house.  
  
Meanwhile, in the operating room, several doctors were crowding around the shocked woman.  
  
"Oh, such a poor thing. I can't even imagine what she went through. Oh God," a nurse said as tears started pouring in rivers from her eyes.  
  
"Alright, so what do we do?" Dr. Testagina asked. "I got it! Seeing such a disgusting image probably knocked all the breath out of her. We're going to have to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."  
  
A nurse leaned over to begin the treatment and the doctor held her back.  
  
"Please, no woman on woman in this hospital. I'll do it."  
  
The doctor began the process. Suddenly, Ms. Testagina walked in.  
  
"Oh my God, Bill!" she yelled.  
  
"Come on, honey, breathe. YOU CAN DO IT!" Dr. Testagina yelled in the patient's face.  
  
He turned to face his wife.  
  
"Jill! This isn't what you think!"  
  
"Yeah right it isn't! I want a divorce!" Jill yelled.  
  
Jill ran out of the room. She looked behind her to make sure she wasn't being followed by her husband. She wasn't looking; that was how she ran into Hagrid. She ran into him with full force. Within a second, she was dead.  
  
At the funeral several weeks later, people placed fresh flowers in her coffin. It wasn't any good, though. She still had some of Hagrid's sweat on her. When the flowers were placed, they immediately grayed and died.  
  
---  
  
After the entire mess, Harry decided to treat Hagrid to a bowl of ice cream.  
  
"Hmm!" Hagrid rubbed his chin as he looked at the choices. "Low-fat, medium-fat, or high-fat? I'll take high-fat."  
  
"Any toppings, sir?" the short guy behind the counter said.  
  
"More fat if possible."  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Anything for you?" the guy asked Harry.  
  
"Oh no, I'm anorex---. I mean I'm not hungry."  
  
After shopping and a delightful lunch of ice cream, Harry and Hagrid returned to Harry's house.  
  
"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed as he looked at the clock. "Two days have passed!"  
  
Hogwarts was set to start in less than a week and a half. Harry had to stop partying and enjoying himself and needed to figure out how to get himself out of the whole baby mess.  
  
The wizard (ha, yeah right) sat down with the fat giant and together they began planning out Harry's plan. 


	6. Arrival at Hogwarts

Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies

By moviefreak2004/movieman2400

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Though I really wouldn't mind if it was...

Chapter 6: Arrival at Hogwarts

Hagrid's motorcycle pulled up to Harry's house and Hagrid stepped off. The giant, within a second, cast a spell on it. The lights on the bike flickered and then it turned around and rolled on. Hagrid and Harry had tried multiple times and failed; it seemed the motorcycle was not big enough to fit both of them despite the fact that it was built for three people. Minutes later, Harry arrived with the bike and the two walked to the front door.

"Now Harry, this is a very serious matter. Please, don't get distracted. I want you to sit down and think about what you're going to do with the baby situation." Hagrid warned.

"Don't worry, Hagrid. I'll try my best. Oh God, the swimsuit's issue arrived! This is the happiest moment of my life. I'll be out in two hours."

"Harry! You promised to not get distracted."

"Hagrid, seriously. I mean, come on. What's more important? The fact that I'm about to become a father and am about to learn the true meaning of family or my personal sexual desires?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, it's the fam---"

"Sexual desires, exactly!"

Before Hagrid could utter a single word, Harry was already bolting up the stairs.

- - -

**A Week And A Half Later**

**- - -**

Harry marched down the stairs.

"Great issue, Hagrid," he said. "Hagrid?"

The oaf was cooking in the kitchen.

"Well, have you thought out your plan, Harry?"

"What plan? How to get one of those swimsuit beauties to be mine?"

"The pregnancy plan?"

"Who's pregnant?"

"Harry, you forgot everything! You've been looking at that issue nonstop for the last week and a half."

"Well...oh Christ! Hogwarts starts today! Ahh, Hagrid!" Harry bellowed as he grasped for a cigar. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Harry, everything comes naturally. Perhaps you'll think of something later," Hagrid replied. "We have to be at the train station in an hour. Come on, Harry."

"But I don't want to go to Hogwarts. Hagrid, the truth is, I don't really know how to be a father."

Since arriving from the Alley, Hagrid had simply sat at the kitchen table .

"Ahh, Harry, that's nonsense. Everybody's worried when they're about to become one. But soon they learn and it becomes quite easy."

"Hagrid..."

"Harry, you'll solve the problem. I know you will."

- - -

Harry looked out the window of the train at the dark hills as Ron entered the cabin.

"Harry!" he cried. "Jolly good mate."

"Hey Ron."

"Come on. Let's go sneak in the bathroom and snort some stuff."

"I really can't, Ron. I'm worried a bit."

Ron stared surprisingly at his good mate. Harry had never refused to take drugs.

"Oh, can I guess what the problem is?" Ron asked.

"I guess."

"Alright...hmm. Cable company took the Playboy channel off the plan."

"That was sad but no, that's not it."

"Jerry Springer's airing reruns?"

"Nah."

"Oh. I know. Still worried about the baby problem?"

"Ron, I just don't know how to be a father. Everything used to be so peaceful. Yeah, a couple murders. A couple deaths. The death of Sirius. But meh, it all pales when compared to this. I mean, I never cared about Sirius. But I do care about Hormone and that's what hurts me most."

"Harry, when my drugs didn't arrive in time, did I give up?"

"No."

"When Hagrid slipped and fell on me, I lost three bones and twisted my head in a semi-circle, Harry. Did I give up?"

"No."

"I never give up, Harry. And neither should you. I'm your friend, right?"

"Yup."

"Well, then you can discuss this with me, right? I promise I won't get --- Oh My God, that hot girl's in the cabin. I'll be right back."

- - -

Snape welcomed the students as the train pulled up to the Hogwarts station.

"Hey, Mr. Snape. Where's Headmaster Dumbledore?" Neville, the short, stupid boy who Harry had hated with a unbelievable fury since the first day of school, asked.

"Oh, he's a busy with uhm...work."

"Oh, Albus. Albus! Albus!" came McGonagall's voice from Hagrid's cabin.

"Sounds like they're trying to figure out the curriculum," Neville said.

Snape's mouth took the form of a snarl.

"Neville, I'm going to ki---"

Snape suddenly realized that everyone was observing him.

"---iss you for your...interesting comments."

Snape quickly shooed away the students through the front doors.

All the students quickly filed into the Great Hall, where a festive dinner as well the Sorting would take place.

Snape carried the hat, a useless brown piece of (whoops, gotta remember that kids are reading this)...cotton out and placed it on a chair.

Within seconds, the Hat had woken up from its daydream:

"Yo, yo, yo, welcome to Hogwarts.

The fo' shizzle da' nizzle school

This is my territory, got it?

In here, drugs and prostitution rule.

If you don't like it

Too bad, you can't go back

By the way, give a holler to Crabbe and Goyle

If you're looking for some wonderful crack

Are you ready for a new year of terror?

A year full of anticipation and scares

You won't even be able to sleep

Because I'll fill your head with nightmares

Here's a layout of all the teams

And it doesn't matter where you go

All of them pretty much suck

And the teacher's IQ's are below zero

If you go to Gryffindor

That's for all the sluts and whores

If you go to Hufflepuff,

With all the whores, it's gonna be tough

If you go to Ravenclaw

There's lots of whores and not a single law

If you go to Slytherin,

Prepare to meet lots of whores within

There you go

All different and alike

Well, that's my rap

Sorting Hat, off the mic!"

The Dining Hall with stunned with silence for a moment. A cricket chirped.

"I know. It's a great rap, right?" the Sorting Hat questioned.

"Yes, children, what a...interesting performance. I hope we're all ready to have an productive year. I suppose all people should go to their team grounds."

"But I don't know what team I'm in," a first-year boy said.

"Life is like sex," Snape replied. "Sometimes it gets a bit rough and you need to even out. But besides those uncomfortable moments, which I personally haven't experienced many of, it's actually pretty smooth. Get my point?"

"No...not really."

"Ugh...just get out of my cafeteria!"

- - -

Harry, Hormone, and Ron watched the incident.

"Oh my, I should go help that girl."

Ron stormed away and Harry begin finishing off his Big Mac.

"Wait a minute, Harry," Hormone bellowed. "That's a guy!"

"Oh, shite!" Harry cried as he slid his $2 dollar chair around.

"Ron! No!"

- - -

"Hey. Are you okay?" Ron asked in a calm voice.

"Why do you even bother with me?"

"Well, I can't just let a poor little lady like you suffer."

- - -

**In the Infirmary, 30 Minutes Later**

"Come on, Harry. Don't lie to me. How does it look?"

Ron's nose was twisted sideways and half of his teeth had fallen out.

"Umm...you look like a pathetic, ugly---" Harry began.

"Wonderful, beautiful human being," Hormone finished. "Right, Harry?"

"Actually, no..."

Harry felt Hormone knee him in the chest. He groaned and coughed.

"Yes, Ron, you look like a supermodel."

"Well, I suppose we should be off. We'll check up on you tomorrow, Ron."

Harry waved to Ron as he left the infirmary.

Then, a sick plan came to mind. Harry nabbed a tape recorder from a nearby shelf.

"Hormone, what did Ron call the boy?"

Harry pressed the Record button.

"He called him a poor little lady. Funny, huh? He sure was a violent fellow."

"Yes, he was, indeed," Harry said with a sick grin.

- - -

When Hormone had gone to her dormitory, Harry rushed outside to the train station.

He scanned the leaving train before finally spotting the boy.

Harry bounced into the train.

"You're the guy that beat up Ron, right?" he said.

"Yes. And he deserved it."

"Well, I have a surprise. Ron's friend, Hormone, she actually started it. Listen. I asked her what she thought of you.

Harry rewinded and played the tape.

"A poor little lady," Hormone's voice echoed.

"Oh, that bitch!" the boy exclaimed.

"Go beat her up, lad. And be sure to aim for the stomach."

"Sure. Thanks, Mister. I owe you one."

Ha ha, Harry thought. His plan was almost complete.

- - -

The next morning, there were two people in the infirmary. Two sufferers who had both been dealt immense pain.

Ron...and the "poor little lady".


	7. Snape's Secret

**Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies**

_By moviefreak2004/movieman2400_

_Version 1.0_

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Insert stupid comment here…

**Chapter 7: Snape's Secret**

After a relaxing night of sleep, the entire gang was ready to tackle a whole new year of challenges. Because putting Hormone, Ron, and Harry in different classes would completely destroy the story, let's just pretend, that by some amazing twist of fate, the three ended up in the exact same classes at the exact same times --- as they had done in the previous years.

Harry never woke up cheerily. He knew that this might accidentally influence his behavior in his first class of the day, Potions, with Professor Snape.

Malfoy sneered at Potter as he walked in.

"Hello, Potter. Doing fine and dandy?"

"Actually, I am."

"Damn! Well, well…well…I'll be back later!"

Malfoy stormed out of the room and Harry took a seat.

"Oh, sorry, Mr. Potter, can you sit a bit closer to the front? Just so I can be assured that you're not cheating," Mr. Snape said in a calm matter.

"Cheat, Mr. Snape? You know I wouldn't dare to do such a thing."

"When I give a direction, you listen. Now, move!"

"It's ok, Harry. I'll move with you," Ron announced.

"Oh no, Ron. Perhaps Mr. Potter will cheat off you."

"But, Mr. Snape, that's not humanly possible. Ron's a complete idio---I mean, he's not that great at Potions," Harry started to protest.

"Must I deduct fifty points from Gryffindor?"

"That point system is crap," Neville said.

Harry couldn't believe what he had just head.

"Neville, don't get involved in this!" Harry cautioned.

"Young man, your language is inexcusable. You, along with your friends Harry, Ron, and Hormone, will report to my room after classes are over for after school detention."

"Mister Snape, what did I do?" Hormone asked.

"Um, well, to tell you the truth, you…um…hmm…take out your homework, class!"

**---**

Hagrid poured the three of them a cup of whiskey and handed them a paper plate with a hamburger.

"Just like home, eh, Harry?" he asked.

Harry looked down. White fat was falling from the sides.

"Sure, Hagrid."

"My doc told me to limit my calories. So, I took off some stuff off my world famous burger. Sorry, kids. No more tomatoes or lettuce. That'll take off a good amount of calories, right?"

"Yes, you'll be anorexic in no time, Hagrid."

"Oh, goody goody. Now what did you kids want to holler about?"

"Snape."

"Oh, that reckless maniacal ass---teacher."

"Yeah. He seemed mad today."

"Well, doesn't he seem mad everyday?"

"No. Most of the days, he's a huggable teddy bear. Today, he was completely unapproachable."

"And now, we have to go to detention because of that scumbag Neville," Ron said.

"Don't call him that, Ron. What he doesn't have in smarts, he makes up in looks."

"Hormone," Harry cried.

"What, Harry, I'm just saying."

"You're not alone, Hormone. I feel the same way too," Hagrid gobbled a piece of his burger.

The three friends stood motionless. Hagrid was enjoying his burger so much that he didn't notice their staring. When he was done, he licked his fingers and then turned his head.

"Um…did I say something wrong?"

---

Snape's lonely room brought a sense of fear deep in Harry. It looked like a prison.

The three friends took a seat as Snape walked in.

"I want you to sit here quietly and do nothing, expect schoolwork. If I catch any of you doing anything wrong, Gryffindor will lose a hundred points for every act. I have to go, however. Please, no inappropriate acts."

And with that, Snape was gone.

"That was weird," Neville said. "Where's he going to?"

"I don't know. But I'm going to find out."

Harry held the door ajar for a second and watched as Snape walked away.

"Harry, please," Hormone begged.

"Come on, do you really want to sit in this room studying?"

"Yes…"

"Not the answer I was hoping for, Hormone."

"What about you, Ron? You coming?"

"My brain's not strong enough to answer that question. I'll just say yes."

"Please, Harry, for the sake of Gryffindor," Hormone begged.

"If you want to stay, do so. But we can't just let Snape go like this."

Harry and Ron launched into a karate position and dived out into the hallway

---

As Snape entered the library, he tugged his head back and made sure he wasn't being followed. In the dark library, he lit a match and found his way to a dusty old bookcase. Once again, he checked and found nothing. He pressed his palm against a book and the bookcase rotated to reveal a secret entrance.

When Snape disappeared, Ron and Harry sneaked into the library.

"I can't see a damn thing," Ron said.

"Take my cigarette matches. In my right pocket."

Ron's hand reached in and for a second Harry felt warmth and then it quickly disappeared.

The light flickered on and the old library appeared in front of Ron and Harry. There were the regular books, the ones that bored the crap out of you. There were the screaming books, angry because they were filled with boring nonfiction. There were the anorexic books, which were skinny and were crushed by the taller, stronger books. In short, the whole place was a mess.

"Where'd he go?"

"I saw him by that bookcase."

"Harry, that's the adult section! We can't go there."

"What do you think this is? A kiddie tale?"

"Oh screw it, we already got an R rating. Let's do it."

They scanned over the old books. Harry spotted _Gay Wizards of the Sixteenth Century._ He had loved that book. _Sex N' A Pole Encyclopedia, _Harry noticed.

"It's weird. I don't remember any of these being published," Ron muttered.

"Ron, I got it. Sex N' A Pole Encyclopedia."

"Yeah, you remembered. That book saved my parent's marriage."

"No, not that. The name. Sex N' a Pole Encyclopedia. Snape!"

"Oh, Christ, Harry, is this another one of those lame twists in a Harry Potter story where you and me find something that's going to change everything?"

Harry pressed the book and the case rotated to the secret dungeon.

"I guess so," Harry replied and together they entered.


End file.
